The Naked Self

I just got out of the shower. Wrapped in my towel, I walked into my room. My iTunes was playing out Roads by Portishead. I had always loved this piece, it evoked such strong emotions and pulsed through the body and soul with an indescribable energy. In the privacy of my own room, I took off my towel and danced to the music in my barest state. I could feel a surge of freedom that rushed into me, my burdens were alleviated. I was relishing in this very moment. I immersed myself in the music yet feeling the nakedness and the vulnerability that surrounded me in this space. I stopped in front of the mirror and looked at myself. I pried right through my eyes, trying to figure out what they wanted to tell me. Then I closed my eyes to feel this whole sensation. My mind wandered off and I felt you there. I began feeling my body, touching and caressing it slowly, from my neck to my chest, down my abdominal to my crotch. My hand was now at my erected rod. I started moving it to the rhythm of the music along with the thrusting movement of my hips. As my rhythm and movement got faster, my breath became heavier and heavier. Finally, I gasped and came. I opened my eyes slowly. The white mess I created was smeared on my own reflection, slowly flowing down the mirror. I took out a cigarette, lighted it and stared at myself in front of the mirror. I blew out smoke at my own reflection. Shrouded in the smoke, I could not really make out myself. Eventually, I asked the question " What exactly is left in me? My instinctive needs or the desire to connect with you."

Smoking with You

I just got back home from a long tiring day. I took off my shoes and flopped myself onto the comfortable couch in the living room. It was one of those nights, the air was stale and highly humid, every inch of movement made me sweat. I hated such nights because all I wanted was a good sleep after a long day, now it seemed impossible. To make things worse, the air conditional had not been working that well for the past few nights. I hadn't been sleeping well for the past few weeks. Whenever I closed my eyes to fall asleep, thoughts and words keep coming through my mind. I would think I had lost control of myself and they had took over me. I walked over to the balcony, took out my cigarettes from my briefcase and lighted up. Despite a warm night, there was a slight breeze blowing into my face. I could certain that as my cigarette got sparked up now and then. That felt good. Under the dim light, the smoke from my cigarette seemed to be dancing in the mid sky under the stars. I closed my eyes to enjoy a moment of peace in the night before my thoughts come back to haunt me later. I could feel the nice silence of the night but I knew my heart was still unsettled. I started laughing at myself, ridiculed at myself; for how I could not even enjoy a peaceful smoke break to myself. I broke down wishing they could leave me alone for just some moments, for me to have my regularity back. Suddenly, I felt lifted, I could really feel at ease and my heart no longer felt heavy. It had been a long while since I felt this. I felt you next to me, patting me on my back like you used to. You comforted me, telling me "Boy, everything going to be fine." I knew you used to smoke, I picked up another stick. Never had we smoked together before but tonight seemed to be the night. This time I could really enjoyed my time. As I extinguished my light and walked away, I turned around. I had left the briefcase at the balcony. It was yours, the one that I had always been using and it was next to me all the time. I looked at it and whispered " It's father's day today, Happy Father's day. I love you, dad. " I knew you would be there always looking upon me despite you being gone faraway from my life.

The One Beside Me

I switched off the lights and went back to the bed. You had already fallen asleep. The moonlight shone through the window onto you. Despite the darkness, I could still make out your features and the body that I had been sleeping next to. I wasn't feeling sleepy yet so I just lay next to you and watched you sleep. You looked even ravishing while you're asleep, just like an innocent sweet child. I wished you were like this everyday. I gently touched your forehead and brushed my hands through your soft hair. I could smell the scent of your freshly washed hair, the scent that I was so used to smelling everyday. I guess you felt me brushing your hair and your hand reached out to your head. I always love this moment when you did that. I laughed to myself. As the clock ticked by, I began feeling drowsy. I covered the blanket over you and me. Under the blankets, I put my arms around you and hugged you. You seemed to have felt that and you held onto my arms. A moment of warmth and happiness I felt, it was short-lived and I began tearing. My tears trickled onto your body, they glided off your skin and stained the bed sheet. They seemed to be telling me that my genuine tears for you had been wasted and we would never be merged as one. I could never permeate into the deepest abyss of yours. As I was holding you tightly, so afraid that you might run away, I knew in my heart there was only you. But as you held onto me, there wasn't an existence of me in your heart. It belonged to someone else. Slowly, the tears dried up and the drowsiness took over me.

Daylight came in. I opened my eyes, trying hard to fight the morning sun that greeted me. You were still asleep with a smile on your face. I looked at you and I thought to myself " I lived in a beautiful dream. One that I might never be able to wake up from despite the pain. I lived my life for the short moment of happiness that I could ever get. It was worth it. Another day starts, what a beautiful mess."

A New Beginning

I sat by the beach alone. The sun was setting and the warm rays of the sun shone onto my face. The sound of the waves crashing onto the shore kept ringing in my ears. My heart felt at ease with this beautiful picture painted right in front of me, accompanied by the orchestra of the ocean. It was a perfect visual experience. Holding onto my i-pod, the song was on repeat mode. I was listening to No Way Back by 8mm. Her voice, my ears were so fortunate to be able to hear it. She went on singing the chorus " There's no way, you're coming back...There's no way, you're coming back..." By now, I had already realized that. I took a deep breath, trying to recall your scent and I wondered how long that would stay with me. A question I could not answer. As the song approached the final verse, she lashed out a constant repetition, singing "stay with me...stay with me...stay with me...stay with me...stay with me..." At this moment, I closed my eyes and I saw you. There was only your back view. Ironically, you walked slowly towards the setting sun where the sun and the ocean would meet and disappear. I opened my eyes and pressed the stop button. I looked up at the sun just before it merged with the ocean as one and smiled to myself. "It is a new beginning," I whispered.



I'm stuck
I'm out of luck
And trying to talk my way out of this
Even fog lifts, but not this
No not this

There's no way you're coming back
There's no way you're coming back
Babe, I know you never leave without
Your gun ...
But if you let it be and just sit down
And lay your head on me

We could leave
I'll dim the stars
We'll steal away from here
We'll run so fast and so far
We'll burn up these streets
Our mystery complete
The moon will die of shame

There's no way you're coming back
There's no way you're coming back
Babe, I know you never leave without
Your gun ...
But if you let it be and just sit down
And lay your head on me

There's no way you're coming back
There's no way you're coming back
Babe, I know you never leave without
Your gun ...
But if you let it be and just sit down
And lay your head on me ...

And just stay with me
Stay with me
Stay with me

Not Today Yet

As usual, I never missed any of the shows that you performed after all these years. I was sitting there alone, watching you and the performance. You still looked great. After the show ended, I left quietly without saying my goodbye, not making my presence felt. You caught a glimspe of me and ran after me halfway through the dialogue.

"I've seen you at every of my single show."

"Today's performance was great" I replied, turned around and began to walk away.

"But you always leave before I could catch you, can we just get a coffee later?"

I looked at you with a pinch in my heart and said " Not today. We will, the day when I've stopped loving you."

As I walked off, I began to wonder if there would ever be one day I could sit down with you at the cafe, with a cup of our favourite, cafe latte.




- love and hate are two poles apart yet they differ by just that line.